Yesterday, I did all those things I said I would to help myself feel better. I do so much to take care of myself, to love myself; I meditate, I read a few pages of something spiritual, I exercise, enjoy healthy eating and good sleep. I am learning to cherish myself and perhaps that is the greatest gift this tumultuous journey down the road to romance post tgt has taught me. I am the end product of my quest for love, not some man who most likely can never measure up to the ideal I have created inside my head.
While I will never give up, never stop scanning the crowd for that hint of connection, the frantic search is now over. I have found my one true love and he is me.
I went to see Les Mis with Gardening Gal last night, and sobbed through the entire second half. Oh, the voices! The music itself brought me to tears, but the sentiments? The sentiments, too. When Jean sang “Let Him Live” I thought of Easy Rider Guy, with nostalgia and affection, but no longer with longing. I thought to myself, oh, let him be peaceful, let him find joy, and love, and an end to his tormented thinking. My tears were as much for him as they were for Maris and Jean and Cosette.
My tears were not for myself.
I have found peace. I have found the quiet stillness of contentment, and that space does not include a man. I found it entirely on my own, within my own soul, which of course, is the only place to find it.
Like all things in life, this place of peace will change. Life is about change. Charles Darwin said that evolution is not about survival of the strongest, it is about survival of those species most adaptable to change. I no longer resist the upheavals in my life. I have learned to accept them and look for the lessons within.