I planted 21 different kinds of seeds. So far, 18 different kinds have sprouted. I'm still waiting on the Strawflowers, the Statice and the Sweet Peas. I will have a lovely garden filled with flowers in July. It is lovely, now, just not as colorful as I would like.

I have not had a date since March 31.

As of today, I have a first meet-up coffee date scheduled for each of the next three days: two doctors and an engineer. At least I'm pretty sure I'll have intelligent conversations with them.

My heart is hardly in it, which is probably a good thing. The less I care, the more likely it is that they will.

Like I said, I'm planting seeds. Who knows what can bloom in the next few months.

On a Lighter Note....

Sperm 1: damn I'm exhausted, how much longer to the fallopian tubes?
Sperm 2: a long way buddy we're just passing the tonsils, stay strong

My 2012 Mother's Day poem from my 22 year old son.

6 on a leap year:

What comes to mind
in this ICU Hospital Room
while this old woman
that gave birth to my father
Speaks in tongues
in nonsense
laying on her deathbed
making demands

... Saying please
as though that makes it
polite
What comes to mind
with my grandmother in sight?

How can I thank
such a thankful spirit?
One so appreciative
of all she's been given
One whom I know would be pleasant
in this old woman's position

I don't have much money
But boy when I do
I'll shower you with presents
All things you are due

But for now, I'll give
something you can use

I'm here for advice
I'm here for you to confide

I'm young but you know
better than most
that I have grown wise
Because I was raised so nice
because You raised me right

How can I convey
What comes to mind?

The first heartbreak I caused

That is, heartbreak without My heartache
The recipient of the cracks
Told me why she loves me

At the top of the list
was my love for my mommy

Still it is true
more than ever
Never more
Have I had love
Have I adored

You taught me to love
You taught me to dust

to keep things tidy
To give out my trust
though I must be so unclean

You taught me to love
You taught it for me

& I've never been more sure
that I bring joy to a life

Of all the women I know

There is Joy in Your eyes

What prize could I give you?

To help you recognize
What you've given to life

What you contribute to mine

My words must suffice
for now, all I can give

is my everlasting love
When you come to mind.

I hope that's alright.

Happy Mother's Day

Remember, You're blessed
In all 365
(6 on a leap year)

On My Own - Les Miserables - Lyrics

If it were up to me
I'd be a tree
With roots and bark and
lying leaves.
I'd grow and grow providing
air to breathe
For all other living things.
---Gregory Douglas Waite

Painted daisy

Beets

Turnips

Peony

Elderberry?? Anyone know?

Yesterday, I did all those things I said I would to help myself feel better. I do so much to take care of myself, to love myself; I meditate, I read a few pages of something spiritual, I exercise, enjoy healthy eating and good sleep. I am learning to cherish myself and perhaps that is the greatest gift this tumultuous journey down the road to romance post tgt has taught me. I am the end product of my quest for love, not some man who most likely can never measure up to the ideal I have created inside my head.

While I will never give up, never stop scanning the crowd for that hint of connection, the frantic search is now over. I have found my one true love and he is me.

I went to see Les Mis with Gardening Gal last night, and sobbed through the entire second half. Oh, the voices! The music itself brought me to tears, but the sentiments? The sentiments, too. When Jean sang “Let Him Live” I thought of Easy Rider Guy, with nostalgia and affection, but no longer with longing. I thought to myself, oh, let him be peaceful, let him find joy, and love, and an end to his tormented thinking. My tears were as much for him as they were for Maris and Jean and Cosette.

My tears were not for myself.

I have found peace. I have found the quiet stillness of contentment, and that space does not include a man. I found it entirely on my own, within my own soul, which of course, is the only place to find it.

Like all things in life, this place of peace will change. Life is about change. Charles Darwin said that evolution is not about survival of the strongest, it is about survival of those species most adaptable to change. I no longer resist the upheavals in my life. I have learned to accept them and look for the lessons within.

I haven't written anything of note here for almost a month. I journal almost every day, but the need to share publicly seems to have passed. After seven years...I can't explain it. Perhaps because I am actually journaling privately. I don't know.

I suppose I will still share here on occasion. Perhaps if I ever start dating again and feel the need to tell a good story, but for the most part, I think I'm done. Funny, when I sat down to type this, I had no idea I was going to say goodbye.

Interesting how that happens. Goodbyes sometimes come out of no where. Sometimes, you don't even realize it was goodbye until months pass, and there is no communication, and one day you wake up and realize that the last time, the last time, when you dipped your head and kissed me once, twice, thrice, that was goodbye.

I watched your car drive over the dam from the cabin's balcony, and I waved. You didn't see me.

I guess I waved goodbye.

Or perhaps, until we meet again.

My meditation space